The Only Perfect Parent is One Without Children

Once upon a time, I knew everything about raising children. It was, of course, before I had children, but I was a total expert.

For instance, I gave noisy children in church the stink-eye. Seriously, can these people control their kids for an hour? And who lets toddlers stand in grocery carts? Good Lord! McDonald's for supper?! Why not just open up their little mouths and pour Crisco down their poor, innocent throats? And what's with the pacifier, that kid's three years old, if he's a day!

Firm, consistent discipline, people. That's all it takes. (Or so my naive and well-rested brain thought).

I remember visiting my cousin Wendy, who had two young children at the time. The girls had been playing in the sandbox and came into the house without emptying out their pockets or dumping out their shoes, then dropped their shovels and buckets in front of the fridge. Sand all over the floor! I must have looked a little unnerved, because Wendy said, "You know, they're quiet and playing and we get to talk uninterrupted, so I'm just going to let them go." WHAT? Let them go! They're bringing half the Jersey shore into the kitchen!

And then I had children.

Children who were not quiet in church, refused to sit in grocery carts, love their chicken nuggets, and used pacifiers well past age three.

I do my best, I really try, but they wear me down. Firm, consistent discipline is HARD! And I'm often tired, grumpy, and (kinda) lazy. I've learned to let the small stuff slide. Stuff like abandoned Legos all over the floor, rolled eyes aimed at me, jammies until 1 p.m. on summer days, and uh... sand in the house.

I save the firmness and consistency for biggies like holding my hand in parking lots, pummeling a sibling, saying please and thank you, and tone of voice (as in "Do NOT talk to me in that tone of voice, young lady!")

My (childless) brother thinks my children are noisy, ill-behaved, play too much Wii, and probably a few other things he has (wisely) chosen not to share with me. He's probably right about everything. I cannot wait until he has children! I am giddy with the thought of the self-righteous veil of the uninformed being cruelly ripped from his weeping eyes. Ah-HAHAHAHA! (that's wicked Austin Powers/Dr. Evil-like laughter there.)

And to that single woman in church last week who gave me the stink-eye, I say Just. You. Wait.

Call of Nature

Last week we parked at Grandma Wolfe's house and took a hike in the Quittie Park. The Quittie (short for Quittapahilla) is a creek that runs through Lebanon County, and, lucky for us, runs right behind Grandma's backyard. This is probably the hundredth time we've hiked and skipped stones along the creek, eaten wild raspberries, peed in the bushes (well, that's a boy thing...Maddie always manages to hold it...), and thought about Daddy, Uncle Allan, Uncle Mike, and Aunt Sue and their (mis)adventures as children along the Quittie.

The hill pictured below is the one Dave used to race up and down in high school and college when he was training for football. The picture doesn't do the angle and height of this hill justice...Maddie, at the bottom of the picture is only about a third of the way up. Are we surprised poor Daddy needed a hip replacement at age 35?



Mmmm. Wild raspberries. Now please excuse us, there's a bush around here with our names on it.

Honk If You Like to Read!

Oh, do I love to read. And I always have. I thank my mom for this. She read to me and supplied me with lots of books. She signed me up for a book delivery service when I was little and I couldn't wait for those books to arrive every few weeks. I zoomed my way through the Little Golden Books, Disney stories, Richard Scarry and Babar, then through the Little House Books, Trixie Belden, Nancy Drew, and favorite authors such as Roald Dahl, E.B. White, Paula Danziger, Judy Blume, and even (dear Lord) V.C. Andrews.

In high school, I discovered The Classics. And I LOVED them. I worked my way through The Good Earth, Jane Eyre, Pride and Prejudice, The Great Gatsby, To Kill a Mockingbird, The Scarlet Pimpernel, The Count of Monte Cristo...

At some point in my twenties I discovered fun novels: John Grisham, Michael Crichton, etc. And then I read a little book called Bridget Jones's Diary. And I loved it. I had found the yet unnamed genre of Chick-Lit and I wanted more. It was hard to find at my library, but it helped me branch out to other novels such as Cold Sassy Tree and authors such as Maeve Binchy and Rosamund Pilcher.

Now chick-lit is everywhere, but I'm very picky. Bad chick-lit reminds me of those books we read in high school like the Sweet Valley High series: I hated that you knew three pages into those books exactly how they'd end: the mean girl (usually named Jessica) will lose the guy and the nice girl (never named Beth. Hmph.) will get the guy and will become homecoming queen, achieve clear skin, and get all A's. In bad chick-lit, you know by page 3 that the bossy anorexic woman (usually named Victoria) will lose the guy and the slightly chubby, quirky woman (still not Beth) will get the guy and will get married, achieve skinniness, and get promoted. Well-written chick-lit is funny, its characters have depth, the dialogue is real and...well, yeah...the nice girl will still get the guy. But that's okay. Some terrific chick-lit authors I love: Helen Fielding (of course), Jennifer Weiner, Marian Keyes, Sophie Kinsella, Jane Green, and Meg Cabot.

My list of favorites (though this list is incomplete and inter-changeable):
1. Jane Eyre-I read this every year.
2. A Tree Grows in Brooklyn-If there was chick-lit in the early 1900's, this would be it. A beautiful, heartbreaking book about Francie and life in turn of the century Brooklyn.
3. Gone With the Wind- this novel is about 1,000 pages long, and I find myself looking at my page numbers frequently, and saying to myself, "Yay! I still have about 600 to go!" I hated putting it down.
4. Daisy Fay and the Miracle Man (or really any book by Fannie Flagg. Yes, the Fannie Flagg of Match Game fame...she's a funny writer with an eye for language/dialogue and her books just make me feel good).
5. Olive Kitteridge-I just read this about two weeks ago and I can't stop thinking about it. The author, Elizabeth Strout, has achieved perfection with this novel. PERFECTION I tell you!
6. Little Women-I read this for the first time as a teenager and (spoiler alert!) could not believe that Beth died. Seriously! Main characters don't die! Besides that, I just wanted to be a March sister and put on plays with them, and starve with them, and cuddle with Marmee, and I totally thought Laurie and Jo belonged together, not with Stupid Amy, and OH POOR BETH!
7. Jen Lancaster (author)-all of her books are hilarious and written in a new genre I'll call "Expanded Blogging" because her books read like a blog, but with longer chapters than blog posts. I find myself laughing out loud when I read her, or giggling so much I shake the bed and wake up my snoring husband who's NOT a fan of Jen Lancaster because she's such a threat to his good night's sleep.

Okay, well, there are so many more I could recommend such as Angela's Ashes, The Red Tent, Girl With a Pearl Earring, and my beloved Shopaholic series, and of course the Harry Potters, and anything by Maeve Binchy, and...

But it's late and I've got a book to read (right now The Kitchen Boy: A Novel of the Last Tsar-which is definitely not going to make this list, but which I will finish because it is not terrible and I'm learning a lot about the Romanov family's last days) so I think I will leave this list for now.

Happy Reading!

Dear Diary...

I was in the basement searching for my rollerblades for Maddie when I struck gold.

I found a bag with my old diaries. The oldest is from 1978 when I was a goofy 5th grader. Maddie and I sat down to read it together, and we both got such a kick and a lot of laughs from it.

Many of the entries documented whether or not I had flute lessons, how much homework I had, and what book I was reading (often Little House on the Prairie books), what I watched on t.v. that day (often Little House on the Prairie also). It covered my birthday and the presents I got, the fact that I was disappointed I didn't have a surprise party, and the guest list at said party (mostly relatives).

It also mentioned that my mom needed x-rays for her knee, but that "it wasn't much". I called mom, because I didn't really remember this, and she told me the whole story, which was a big deal to her, but which she didn't really share with me at the time.

The diary also mentioned that mom was sleeping with me AGAIN! I asked her about that, but she was unable to supply any details. I'm thinking she's still not ready to share that one with me (mom and dad are still happily married, so I guess it was a bump in the road).

One entry told the story that I had completely forgotten, but which blew me away with sadness at the time: the death of my cat, Socks, who was hit with a snowmobile or car (this is our guess) which broke her back. She crawled home to us and died on the kitchen floor. I had covered the page with little teardrops after writing it that night.

And another entry Maddie and I laughed over, although I remember the frustration and angst I felt when writing it, was the time I tried sneaking seven gumballs from our gumball machine to my room in my pajama pocket. According to my diary "I went down with them in my hand and stuffed them in my pocket and mom heard them crackle and took them from me and sent me to bed early and I hate her!" I also covered that page with teardrops.

This little find blossomed into fun time with my daughter and a conversation with my mom, and though neither of those situations is rare, I am so thankful I wrote and saved those diaries.

Splash, Hike, and Whine

Today we joined some friends and headed to the Bullfrog Valley Park in Hershey. After admiring the beautiful pond and creek, we started in on our picnic lunch, though the kids were BEGGING to get in the creek. "PLEASE can't we go in! Why do I have to eat this plum! Please! Please! Pleeaase!!!

After wolfing down their lunches, the kids hurled themselves into the water. Lots of splashing, stone throwing, dam building and tattling ensued, as nine kids did their best to get to know the creek.

Bullfrog Valley Park is connected to another park, Shank Park, via a long and lovely paved trail. We warned them-Oh yes we did. It's a long hike to get to the next park! Lots of walking. Lots of lovely nature, but lots of walking. And There's No Crying in Hiking...they all agreed to it and we took off.

Along the trail we saw wild raspberries (none ripe enough to eat), pretty ferns, chattering birds, toppled trees galore, more raspberries (that we still couldn't eat), more ferns, birds, trees, raspberries (yeah...couldn't eat 'em), ooh poison ivy!, more trees, etc.

"Are we there yet?"

"Carry me!"

"Ooooh, this is toooo loooong. Whyyy are you making us doooo this????"

"When are we THERE?"

After hiking the 30 minutes it took, singing songs, playing the "I went on a hike and I took apples, bikes, candy..." game, and smiling through our gritted teeth, we moms finally herded the pack to the Holy Grail of Hiking: a playground! Yay!

After a quick conference, it was decided that I would hike back alone to the car (ah, blessed silence), drive to Shank Park and ferry the kids back to Bullfrog Valley Park. Yeah, we gave in.

But it was a fun day.

Zucchini Bread

'Tis the Season to bake Zucchini Bread!

Zucchini is growing in abundance right now. Some of it ends up in salads, on the grill pan, mixed into fresh tomato sauce on pasta, sauteed with onions, or dipped into Ranch dressing (Jack's fave).

I'm also making lots of zucchini bread, in fact I made my 4th batch of the summer this morning. Each time I make it, I try something new. I added butterscotch chips last week (even better than chocolate chips, believe it or not), today I tried making muffins instead of loaves (worked great!), and I'm planning to try substituting cocoa powder for some of the flour in the next loaf to make a chocolate zucchini bread.

Every now and then, I miss a zucchini in the garden and it will grow huge! Little zucchinis taste the best fresh or cooked, but monster zucchinis are perfect for zucchini bread. Here's Maddie holding a large (though not monster) zucchini I found this morning---busy weekend, I hadn't checked the garden for 3 days except to pick some green beans).
Here's my recipe:

Zucchini Bread

3 c. flour

2 c. sugar

1 t. baking soda

1 t. salt

1 t. cinnamon

1/4 t. baking powder

3 eggs

1/2 vegetable oil

1/2 c. sour cream

1 t. vanilla extract

2 c. shredded zucchini (I quarter zucchini and chop in my food processor)

optional: pecans, chocolate chips, butterscotch chips, etc.

In a large bowl mix the first 6 ingredients. Mix in the eggs, oil, sour cream, and vanilla. Fold in zucchini and any extras. Bake at 350 degrees:

2- 9x5 loaf pans-60-65 min.

4 mini loaf pans-45 min.

24 muffins-20-25 min.

Today I put some of the extra batter into a madeleine pan for little zucchini madeleines too. Yum!

Good Morning!

This is the first summer that I find we are sleeping in. This is not big news for Maddie who loves to sleep late. But it is earth-shattering for Ben, who's awake most days of the year around 6 a.m. or so (therefore 8 a.m. really is sleeping late for this guy).

It's also big news for Jack, who, for the first time, sleeps late when he is tired instead of waking with the early birdies and joining me in bed (and I do mean me, not we...Dave's usually up around 4 or 5 a.m.--Ben comes by it honestly).

Our leisurely, unhurried mornings are a favorite time of day for me to enjoy my first Diet Coke, read the paper, check my e-mail and Facebook, etc. Everyone's still too fuzzy-brained to bicker that much. And they all look so darn cute in their jammies, with sleepy-dirt crusting their little eyes, clutching their blankies or teddies.

Here's what the kids were doing around 9:30 this morning:

Jack, in his jammies, loves to park his cars in the warm sunshine.


Ben is awake, dressed, already got himself breakfast, and is playing his DS.
And here's my Sleeping Beauty:

Wii Mii Wheee!

This past week, thanks to a heads-up from my friend Janet, the kids discovered the website miicharacters.com. This terrific website gives step-by-step instructions for creating mii's for your Wii. (if you're unfamiliar with the Wii video game, you can make your own avatars -characters meant to represent you- by putting together your hair color, facial shape, glasses, etc.)

However, this website helps you create characters you know, such as Darth Vader, King Kong, Harry Potter, and Peppermint Patty.

Maddie and Ben, (one manning the website, one manning the wiimote) spent countless hours shouting instructions to each other: "hair-column one, up 2!" "Nose line 3, column 4, rotate 2!" Besides the characters I mentioned above, they created 84 new characters, including Batman and Joker, Elmo, Beaker and Miss Piggy from the Muppets, Jack Black, Johnny Depp, C-3PO and Chewbacca, a pug dog, and...God.

The best part is you can be these characters when you play Wii! We golfed on Friday night with Elmo, Steven Spielberg, Two-Face (from Batman), and the Pink Panther. We bowled on Saturday morning with Adam and Jamie from Mythbusters, Indiana Jones, and Michael Jackson. We realized halfway through our bowling game that some of the characters they made were in the seating area behind the bowlers! (Although it was a little creepy seeing The Joker and Lord Voldemort watching us and plotting their bowling strategy).

So far, no one has been God. Dave's take on this was that it's a little unfair to be God, because really, no one else could ever beat him in tennis.


P.S. I wrote the above post this morning. An hour ago, Jack was boxing (alone) as Elvis and I said, "Who is that guy you are boxing?"

"God!" shouted Jack, gleefully.