These Pretzels Are Making Me Crazy

I’ve been married to this guy for almost 15 years:

And after almost 15 years of (generally) wedded bliss, I feel like I know him pretty well.

For instance, I know that when he reads this post and realizes he’s the star of it, he will be frowning.  I know how he likes his coffee (a healthy dash of half and half), and that if America’s Funniest Home Videos is on…he will be watching it.  He seriously loves his AFV.  (And now he’s really frowning).  He will eat just about anything I make without complaining, but asks for a green vegetable at every meal (corn is not a green vegetable).  He doesn’t like his feet to get sweaty (hence car heating arguments because my feet are always cold), he loves the beach, he loves football, and  he loves Youtube videos of kittens looking adorable.*

He also loves a certain pretzel, and, God help me, I have failed at getting him this pretzel for nearly 15 years.  As the Head Shopper in the house, a title I take mighty seriously, I try to find little treats or favorites for everyone every week.  I know Ben likes S’mores Pop-Tarts so I try to surprise him with those every now and then.  Jack loves kefir so I make sure that’s usually on the list.  Maddie makes her own breakfast and goes through phases (Toaster Strudel, bagels, cereal, Greek yogurt) so whatever she’s into, I try to keep it stocked.  And every week, no matter which grocery store I go too, I look for Dave’s pretzels.  And then I’m confronted with so many choices, I forget what it is he wants.  What I think it is is maybe Snyder’s Olde Tyme but not the sourdough ones, or is it the Sourdough Utz Specials?  I think he likes Tom Sturgis Specials, but I’m pretty sure he doesn’t like the “artisan” ones, or maybe it is the artisan ones he likes? 

No matter what I buy, when I bring them home, I will generally get an explanation as to why it is the the wrong one (“remember…I like _________but not the ones with ________________?”) and then I know in his head he’s thinking, “seriously, it’s pretzels, not rocket science…why can’t she get this?” and I’m thinking (usually out loud) “seriously, it’s pretzels…why is he so picky?”

And I know right now YOU are thinking, “if he doesn’t like them, he should go buy his own damn pretzels!” so let me explain that he’s not rude about it, and again, as Head Shopper, I want to make people happy.   Also, he generally does end up buying his own pretzels.  He’ll bring them home and show me and say, “See…here is the brand name, see how it does not have ______________ in the name”, and I’ll nod and try to commit it all to memory but the next time I’ll shop it’ll be a giant PRETZEL FAIL once again.

So a few weeks ago, Jack and I were shopping and we were in the pretzel aisle, and I was all, “What pretzels does daddy like, Jack?” and he was all, “Let’s get Chex Mix instead!”  So I called Dave up and even though I could hear his eyes rolling in his head through the phone, he told me the name, and Jack and I found them, and I took a picture so now every time I shop, I just have to bring this picture up on my phone and I am GOLDEN, people!

That’s Olde Tyme Pretzels…non-sourdough, non-Artisan. Specials has nothing to do with it.  I don’t know why Specials is stuck in my head.

So it’s a boring story with a happy ending, even though Jack didn’t get Chex Mix and I left the store without getting the bread I was actually there for.

*HA!  Dave doesn’t actually like Youtube videos of adorable kittens.  I just put that there to get him back for fifteen years of pretzel misery.