Mommy Olympics

Of course, the Winter Olympics have been going on since last week, and we’ve been watching a lot!  Well…we’ve been watching a lot in between iCarly, SpongeBob, and (dear God) Caillou episodes, but we have been watching and applauding as Team USA does their stuff.

But to be honest, there’s another Olympics I’d like to see. My post title gives it away, I guess, but if there was a Mommy Olympics, here are some of the possible events:

Marathon Sleep Deprivation:  Competitors are required to go 26 hours with no sleep, followed by 26 months with 3-5 hours of constantly interrupted sleep per night.  Bonus points awarded for driving with car in correct lane, wearing matching shoes at all times, and staying awake for an entire 30 minute episode of Teletubbies.

Slippery Downhill Slope-Event 1-Your Body-Contenders for the gold will be required to show proof of saggy chests, widened backsides, stretchmark-covered bellies, and lots of jiggly bits.  Competitors who have indulged in unfair practices such as liposuction, tummy tucks, lifts for "the girls", and PhenPhen will be disqualified and secretly hated by the entire Mommy Olympics.

Slippery Downhill Slope-Event 2-Your Brain-Competitors must recite their children’s names (matched correctly to faces); identify objects such as that thing you put the bread in to make it brown and dry and then you put the, um, red strawberry stuff on it...you know, for breakfast;  show knowledge of Current Events such as is Tiger Woods a bigger (beep) than John Edwards and are Angelina and Brad really on the brink of divorce;  and put together a 24-piece Elmo puzzle without consulting the box lid. 

Speed Shopping-With a nap-deprived child in the cart seat, competitors must shop for an entire week’s worth of groceries while dodging candy displays and remembering all items on list, then checkout before child throws a tantrum with which the competitor must handle in a sweet, patient, and publicly calm manner.  Bonus points for using coupons and getting home before one’s husband accuses one of using one’s shopping time as a fun excuse to be out of the house while he is stuck babysitting the two remaining children at home.---Related Events-  Speed Showering, Speed Eating, Speed Lovin'

Weightlifting-Competitors must show competence in 3 areas:  Sustained Infant Support All the Time Even When Brushing One’s Teeth, Preparing Dinner, and Getting the Six Week Fun Checkup at the OB-GYN’s (bonus points awarded for breastfeeding during said checkup);  Flailing Toddler Lifting; and Simultaneous Diaper Bag/Grocery Bag/Guinea Pig Kennel/and Giant-Purse-Large-Enough-to-Hold-a-Juice-Cup-and-a-40-Pack-of-Pull-ups Handling.

Aquatics-Challengers must bob up and down in the water.  For hours.  While balancing one child on one hip and clutching the other one who is just about ready to swim but not quite and wants to keep trying until he gets it.  While your friends are chatting way over there by the snack table.

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*No medals awarded.
*No monetary reimbursement for efforts.
*No appreciation shown to contestants for their hard work and devotion.
*No lucrative advertising contracts.

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Hmmm. On second thought, this all sounds just too hard, just too much.  I really don’t think we’d get any competitors.  I guess we’d be better off just sticking with those standard, sissy Olympic events like the Triathlon and Luge.

Go Team Go!