The Chair Story

You know how certain key words can make a person go off on the same story all the time?  For instance, use the words “willow tree” in a conversation with my mother and she will always tell you that the root system of the willow tree is very invasive and can even get into your septic line.  Every time she will tell you that.  Sometimes I throw “willow tree” into a random conversation with her just to hear that little story and have a tiny bit of a  laugh inside my head.

Me:  “…and then Jack did the cutest thing!  The sliding board at the playground was next to the most beautiful willow tree I’ve ever seen..” (slight pause on my part to allow…)

Mom:  “Oh, willow trees.  They’re so pretty, but did you know the roots can really get into your pipes?  Never plant one in your yard!”

Me:  “Really?  Huh.  Good to know.  So Jack’s on this sliding board and…”

(Honestly, I don’t have a lot for entertainment going on for me right now, so that could quite possibly have been the highlight of my day.)

Helen, a good friend of mine in college, would always go off on her own version of the willow tree tangent, a little story my friends and I liked to call “The Bagel Story”, but unlike the willow tree detour, Helen knew that we knew she’d go off and running on the subject of bagels, and it became such a joke we’d occasionally (and will still today) say, “Helen!  Tell us The Bagel Story”!   And then Helen will tell us that there are shops in NYC that sell bagels, not your ordinary Lender’s out-of-the-bag bagels, but real bagels, fresh from the oven, hot and chewy, in amazing flavors like asiago cheese and…”  That is the bagel story.  (And in Helen’s defense, 25 years ago when we were in college, bagels around here mostly did come from the Lender’s bag, so she really was imparting great bagel wisdom to the rest of us.)

I think The Chair Story just might become my new story to tell over and over.  It’s got all the hallmarks of a good detour story like romance, adventure, and a car chase, but unlike the willow tree/bagel stories, it involves no septic system or asiago cheese references, so it is possible it may not go down in the Hall of Fame of Tangents.  I’ll let you decide:

For our anniversary this year, Dave’s parents took the kids for the afternoon and night.  A whole 18 hours to ourselves!  What to do, what to do…

We went looking for patio furniture (that’s the romance part of the story). 

First we went to Lowe’s.  Everything was 25% off there, but we didn’t really see anything we liked.  Next we headed to Target.  We found some chairs there that were 75% off, unfortunately they were more of the dining-chairs-that-go-around-a-table variety than the love seat etc. that we were looking for, but they rocked and were very comfy and the 75% off kind of sucked us in.  There were a few other customers (vultures) hovering around our chairs, which added a sense of urgency (to me, not so much to Dave), however we decided it was early in the day and we kept looking.  (This whole part is the adventure time of the story, by the way, feel free to picture us both in Indiana Jones hats.)

Next we went to Boscov’s and Home Depot but we really weren’t happy with anything.   We were now closer to the other Target so we headed there to see if they also had our 75% off chairs.  Unfortunately, they only had one set of chairs (2 in a set) and they were the floor models.  At this point, I began to get really nervous that the chairs at the other Target had been snapped up by the circling vultures, so we bought the two floor models and raced across town to the other Target (this is not the car chase scene…that is still coming!)

When we got there we discovered that a) the vultures had not bought our chairs and b) the floor models we bought at the other Target had the wrong cushions on them!  Instead of the thick, plush cushions pictured on the boxes, the ones we had bought were these shabby, wimpy, little crappy cushions!  (Aren’t you just thrilled right now with the adventurous twists and turns of this story?)

We went out to the car, brought back the chairs with the crappy cushions and returned them.  Then we bought two boxes of 75% off dining chairs because it was a bargain, and quite frankly, my feet hurt and I wanted to go to dinner.  Which we did (mesquite grilled ahi tuna and lobster mac and cheese!) then we went home and Dave put together one of the boxes of chairs, and they were nice, but it bothered me a little bit that they weren’t really what I wanted for that particular spot.  Then I remembered it was our anniversary and we enjoyed the rest of the evening, thankyouverymuch.

The next day I took Ben to a friend’s house in the next town over, and since I was so close, I just thought I’d pop into Kmart while I was there, and I found a love seat/two chairs/coffee table set that was just perfect.  And marked down 40%.  DOH!!  I took pictures of it with my phone and went home and showed Dave.  However, Dave was a little annoyed that a) he had already put together two of the chairs we’d already bought and b) the set cost a bit more than our purchase on the previous day.  So he needed to think about it. 

He thought about it all day until about 7:00 that night (aaagh! vultures!) and then he gave me the green light, took the two chairs apart, put them back in the box and I headed off into the night. 

AAAGGH! NOOO! If only it were that easy!  After getting the go-ahead from Dave, I realized that Jack had been playing in the box containing the chairs all day and had drawn pictures and written his name all over it!  Also, I called Kmart and the dude there told me they only had one set of my furniture left…the floor model, and he would put a “hold” note on it, but that he was leaving for the evening.  As far as  I was concerned, a “hold” note would only make that patio set look more inviting to the circling vultures.  A quick call to Target confirmed they would still take the chairs back (God bless you, Target!), Dave disassembled the chairs and loaded them into the car, and I was off as the stores closed at 9:00!  (Cue the car chase!)

I raced to Target where two nice gentleman helped me (twice) unload my car of the giant chair boxes, then Target did indeed take my chairs back, crayoned boxes and all.  After that, I jumped in my minivan and dashed to Kmart, flew down the aisles, my heart pounding in my chest for fear that my set had been viciously bought by the vultures and I would have to go back to Target and get those other darn chairs and then have to tell Dave to put them back together again, BUT!  The set was still there with a nice little “hold”sign on the coffee table.  Dude had come through for me.  God bless you dude.
Three lovely Kmart employees helped me load the furniture into my minivan, and I drove home in glory.

Once I got home, everybody helped unload the car, but at this point it was about 9:15 and a bit dark, so we didn’t really get to see and appreciate the new set until the next day.  The next morning, with the sunshine sweetly kissing the comfy cushions of my new patio set, I relaxed, enjoyed my morning Diet Coke, and listened to the birds sing while a gentle breeze kept things cool.  The kids have already gotten sunscreen and crushed goldfish crackers on one of the cushions.  But they’re still fabulous and perfect and the only way they could be improved is if I could sit on them eating an asiago cheese bagel while gazing at a willow tree with my honey.  In his sleeveless tux.