Helpful Hints Just For You!

I had such an overwhelming response to my A Project or Two post!  It makes me feel truly humbled yet gratified to know that I have inspired so many of you to create your own Dust Communication Displays.  Dave is super-duper proud of me too.  He didn’t actually say so, but that faraway look in his eyes when he read “Mom Rocks!” on our bedroom television dust spoke volumes to me.

Honestly, I think it was the moment when someone told me, “Beth, your Junk Collection is beyond words,” that I knew that I was on to something.  I’ve decided that maybe you, my dear readers, need more of my good advice and tips for helping make your home life run smoothly.  As I say frequently to my family, “A rolling stone gathers no moss!”  And then they say,”What?”  And then I say, “Dude. Whatevs.”

Household Tips:

1.  Beds really do not need to be made unless company is coming and will be sneaking around your house when you’re not watching.

2.  Vinegar is great for lots of household things.  Like salad dressing and…cleaning your coffee pot, and…salad dressing.

3.   My mother tells me that you shouldn’t clean your windows in bright sun because it will make them streak.  My mother-in-law tells me that you should clean your windows in bright sun so you can see the streaks and wipe them away.  I don’t want to hurt either of their feelings, so I find it best to leave windows fingerprinty and filthy and in no danger of becoming streaky at all.

4.  Don’t put celery down the garbage disposal.  Trust me on this one.

5.  Wearing socks around the house counts as sweeping the floors.

Marital Tips:

1.  Men love it when you put your cold feet on them at night.  It makes them feel loved and needed.

2.  Men also love a messy house. 

3.  And also they love when you wear sweatpants and don’t wear makeup or brush your hair, AKA The Natural Look.

4.  For God’s sake, don’t serve them baked beans and cole slaw in the same meal!

5.   They also like football.  That’s all I’ve got, people.

Childrearing Tips:

1.  It appears that 10 may be the cutoff age for being able to sneak candy from their Halloween bags without them noticing.

2.   White carpet? Are you nuts?

3.  Children tend to throw up within 5 seconds of announcing they might be feeling sick.  Be ready to catch it in your hands.

4.  Someone will always have their eyes closed when you are trying to get the Christmas card picture.

5.  I don’t care how old they are, if you put on Barney, they will watch it.  They will whine about it to you and pretend they hate it, but they will watch it.

Beauty and Fashion Tips:

1.  Brush your hair at least once a day (unless you’re going for The Natural Look for your husband).

2.  Once I made a conditioning mask for my hair using mayonnaise and lemon juice!  It was disgusting.  Don’t ever do that.

3.   A glass of wine a day keeps the wrinkles away! (not scientifically proven)

4.  Baseball hats not only look cute but can hide unwashed hair, untouched up roots, dandruff, split ends, lice, and bald spots. 

5.  Black clothes are slimming, horizontal stripes are not slimming, and suspenders add a playful touch!

DIY Tips:

1.  Save all of your tin can lids from all of your soup cans all year and attach strings to them with glue or something, and you will have a very shiny, sharp, and fragrant Christmas tree!

2.  You can make cheap and sturdy shelving for your garage!  Somehow!

3.  Guinea pigs can create very unusual yet stunning artwork when non-toxic paint is applied to their feet and they are allowed to run around on a canvas.  Not that I have ever done this, I am purely guessing.

4.  Non-toxic paint is tricky to remove from the feet of a guinea pig, as they can be very wiggly and bitey when they are annoyed.  I am still guessing.

5.  Want to make a really cool wreath for your Thanksgiving door?  Staple some turkey legs to both sides of the wreath, and using a glue gun, glue some green army guys with guns shooting at them.  Hilarious and keeping with the Thanksgiving Theme of turkey and thankfulness (that you are not a turkey).

If my tips have helped you in any way, I will feel so happy.  Now start saving those soup can lids!  Christmas is only 7 weeks away!