What I’ve Learned From Watching Children’s Television

1.  Dora has taught me to repeat things I want to remember.  “Bread, Milk, Toilet Paper!  Bread, Milk, Toilet Paper!  Bread, Milk, Toilet Paper!  What do I need?!  Bread, Milk, Toilet Paper!”  She has also taught me that having a trusted monkey by your side is invaluable.  Which is why I take Jack grocery shopping with me.

2. The Wonderpets encouraged me to keep Herbie’s cage lid down.  I am sure that somehow, somewhere a baby egret or baby hippo is caught in the mud/stuck in a tree/lost in the jungle/running from the law, but I have not given Herbie permission to moonlight as a superhero, and will not be any time soon.

3.  Sesame Street taught me that just because something (or someone) is in its (or her) forties, it (she) can still remain smart, funny, with it, likeable, and not at all old, undesirable, and dated.  Not at all. 

4.  The Wiggles taught me that fruit salad is yummy yummy!  And also about narcolepsy.

5.  DRAKE AND JOSH  TAUGHT ME THAT YELLING EVERYTHING IS WAY FUNNIER THAN ACTUALLY SAYING FUNNY THINGS.

6.  Scooby Doo and the gang taught me that no one can be trusted.  My next door neighbor, Old Man Solano (Hi Shelley!), could actually be trying to make me think my house is haunted because he knows there is a fortune in gold doubloons buried under the weeping cherry tree, and here I was thinking the creaking was just from the house settling (Brady Bunch taught me that), and if it weren’t for those meddling kids and their dog, Old Man Solano would have gotten away with it!

7. Spongebob taught me optimism.  Squidward taught me pessimism.  Sandy Cheeks taught me adaptability, Patrick makes me feel smart, and Mr. Krabs instilled the value of money in me.  Plankton showed me persistence, and Gary made me fall in love again.  (I’m kidding, Gary’s just a nice little snail).

8.  Caillou taught me  that I should be on some kind of mind-altering medication, because the only way Caillou’s parents could possibly put up with him as cheerfully and optimistically as they do is by being continually high, drunk, or quite possibly, mentally unbalanced.

9.  Thomas the Tank Engine has expanded my vocabulary to include words such as “cheeky”, “rubbish”, “lorries”, and “bust my buffers”.  I feel confident that should I ever visit Great Britain, I will be able to speak easily with the natives.

10.   Blue’s Clues taught me that if I jog in place, the background will move behind me giving the illusion that I am going somewhere, when in fact, I am not!  Wait.  That’s not really useful information.

11.  Mr. Rogers taught me how sneakers and crayons are made, how mushrooms are harvested, and how to be a good neighbor.  He also taught me that true kindness and goodness really do exist in the world. I heart Mr. Rogers.