Ignorance is Bliss

Peanut butter was ruined for me last week.  MSN (my home page) ran this story as one of their headlines, and although I didn’t click on the story to read on, they included this little nugget under the headline:  “The FDA allows average of 30 or more insect parts per 100 grams of peanut butter” which I did, unfortunately, read.

I really didn’t want to know this.

Peanut butter is a real treat for me while dieting.  It’s the one sweet thing I’ll allow myself to have, usually just a spoonful or two each day, but I totally can’t eat it anymore, which might be good for my waistline in the long run, but right now I’m really missing it. 

And please don’t remind me that bugs crawl into your mouth while you’re sleeping and that we eat like 5 bugs a year this way anyway.  This information is almost worse than the buggy peanut butter info because there is just nothing I can do short of duct taping my mouth shut at night to take care of this.  Dude!  I didn’t point out the hole in the seat of your pants you couldn’t do anything about.  Don’t tell me I’ve let spiders party in my mouth and bunjee jump down my throat!  NOT. COOL.

I also wish I had never heard that waiters or cooks spit (or worse) on the food that’s sent back to the restaurant kitchen.  I’m sure it doesn’t happen often, but as a result of that gem, I now eat my overcooked steak and never say a word.   And what is up with restaurants publishing their menu items’  fat/calorie contents?  I go out to eat so rarely that it is such a treat!  And if I know that pasta dish is going to cost me a whole day’s worth of calories I’m not sure I’ll still choose it.  And although I realize that’s the point, let me make good choices when I’m planning and preparing my meals at home.  When I go out and someone else is doing the cooking, serving, and cleaning up, I don’t want to know how much butter is going on those vegetables or how many miles I’ll have to walk to burn up the dinner roll or that the fat grams in my cheesecake could keep a whale mighty warm in winter.  I’ll eat sensibly tomorrow, I promise.

Other things I wish I never knew:

-Millions of tiny dust mites in bedding and beds eating away at my shedded skin.  Ugh. 

-Teen party games are no longer made up of fairly innocent games like Seven Minutes in Heaven or Spin the Bottle.

-Wrinkle creams really don’t make any difference.  I had such hope.

-Flies throw up on your food. 

-Hot dogs…the fun meat.

-That there’s a red button the president hits to detonate The Big One.  What if he hits it by accident while he’s sleeping or exercising or spreading insect-laden peanut butter on his morning toast?

-That water shoots out of the toilet when you flush and gets on your toothbrush.

-That there are like 1,000 rodents in every square mile or something like that.  *shiver*

-If you are in a car accident and you have a full bladder, your bladder will burst.  Somehow, a burst bladder just sounds really, really bad to me, way worse than the resulting injuries from the car accident.

-My college philosophy professor told us that if you shoot an arrow at a target, the arrow must always travel half the remaining distance from where it currently is, meaning it will never actually arrive at the target.  This kind of bothers me for some reason.  I’m not sure why, because obviously, the arrow arrives!  I have SEEN it happen.  But it makes sense that it must always cover another tiny infinitesimal space and therefore never arrive!  AAAAGHHH!  I think about this one a lot.

 

So, to wrap things up, please tell me only happy things like

-birthday cake eaten on your birthday contains no calories!

-mice prefer the outside world and only come in the house by accident, then try to get back out as quickly as they can.

-chocolate will raise your metabolic rate!

-exercise is really, really bad for you in some way. 

-the children will all turn out just fine.

-Diet Coke is good for bone health and makes you smart.

-minivans are way cool.  Especially dented, filthy ones.

-peanut butter contains no bug parts whatsoever, only the fine, yummy taste of ground nutty goodness.

Thankyouverymuch.

 

 

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