Herbert and Me

Now that the kids are in school all day, it’s just me and the guinea pig.

Things went well the first day.  We were very polite with each other.  I gave him carrots on request, he didn’t pee on me when I held him.  But I think we are starting to get on each other’s nerves.  For instance, there was this little exchange yesterday afternoon.

Me:  Dude, your cage stinks.

Herbie:  (mimicking me in a high voice) Dude your cage stinks.

Me:  Well, it does.

Herbie: (still mimicking) Well, it does.

Me:  Stop that.

Herbie:  (little $#*% is still mimicking) Stop that.

etc.

Seriously?  He thinks he’s all cute and stuff, but he does have an attitude.  To begin with, carrots are his staple, his peanut butter and jelly, his moon, his sun, his everything.  He gets them several times a day, and he loves them.  But yesterday he was all, “You need to change things up, and soon.  I could use some cantaloupe or watermelon maybe.  You know, I’ve always wanted to try papaya, get one of those, wouldja?”  

I’m just saying, the word “please” would go a long way. 

Also, his cage really does stink.  I just cleaned it and gave him new pine shavings on Monday (and yes, a “thank you” would have been nice), but he poops and pees so darn much, it’s like a sewage treatment plant in there. On a hot summer day.  When the humid air is still and heavy with the stench of  rodents.  Because he is one.

[awkward pause]

I’m sorry.  I love our sweet Herbert.  I think the echo of the lonely house is getting to me.  Honestly, it’s nice to have a little friend around for company.  A little pal who loves to squeak and snuggle, and eat…papaya apparently, and poop a lot, and make constant demands, and who, quite frankly has let a few curse words loose the last couple of days, which he knows he can’t do around the children, but I think he’s getting sloppy in his solitude.  As am I.

We are lonely. Okay, see right now, I’m on a roll here, getting these words down out of my head, and he’s behind me chanting “Ninety-nine Bottles of  Beer on the Wall”, and although he’s currently at “take one down, and pass it around, 42 bottles of beer…” which means he is more than halfway there, and I realize I shouldn’t stifle his creativity or need to perform, but is it fair that he’s currently stifling my creativity and need to perform?  No.  It is not.  It is so not fair.  The little buck-toothed fuzzy-faced devil.  “That’s right, Herbie!  I’m writing about you!  Your filthy manners are being exposed!  Everyone will know about your rudeness and toilet habits… and…”

Yes, the loneliness is getting to me.

 

Awww.  Look at that picture.  Look how cute he is.  Sweet little fella.  Maybe I’ll take him grocery shopping with me later!  He could sit in the grocery cart seat and ask for things he can’t have and give me little kisses every now and then, and then I’ll take him to the playground and push him on the swing, and he’ll say,”More!  More!  Push me higher!” and then we can come home and play a few rounds of “Monopoly Jr.” and have a really great time together!

Yeah.  Maybe that’s what I’ll do. 

Me and Herbie.  Because sometimes, a guinea pig is all a person’s got.

(Seriously, if anyone wants to go for lunch, I am available!)